


Tonight He Is Mine

by mageicalwishes



Series: Carry On Countdown 2020 [5]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Carry On Countdown 2020 (Simon Snow), Carry On Countdown Day 5, Fluff and Angst, Late Night Feelings, M/M, Post-Book 1: Carry On, Pre-Book 2: Wayward Son
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:53:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27789313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mageicalwishes/pseuds/mageicalwishes
Summary: "I can’t sleep. I can never sleep these days, not how I want to anyway - It's always either that I’m knocked out for 15 hours, waking up disoriented and heavy, or that I can barely catch a moment's rest. But today is different. My body is tired, and my mind is too. If I let myself, I’d be gone. But I won’t. I can’t. Tonight is my last night with Baz, and I don’t want to miss a minute of it."Carry On Countdown, Day 5 - Sleepless
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: Carry On Countdown 2020 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2027147
Comments: 4
Kudos: 44
Collections: Carry On Countdown 2020





	Tonight He Is Mine

**Simon**

I can’t sleep. I can never sleep these days, not how I want to anyway - It's always either that I’m knocked out for 15 hours, waking up disoriented and heavy, or that I can barely catch a moment's rest. But today is different. My body is tired, and my mind is too. If I let myself, I’d be gone. But I won’t. I _can’t._ Tonight is my last night with Baz, and I don’t want to miss a minute of it. 

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” That’s what I’m going to tell him when I break up with him. I’ve got it all planned out; have for months now. It was _supposed_ to be today. I was supposed to just get it done. But I fucked it up again. When I sat him down to talk he looked so panicked that I lost my nerve. I was too much of a coward to go through with it (Too much of a mess). But … it’s for his own good. I know it is. I _have_ to do it. So ... tomorrow. It _has_ to be tomorrow. 

He seemed suspicious when I suggested that we both sleep in the bed (Normally I just sleep on the sofa, even when he isn’t here), but he didn’t say anything - Didn’t object. He just lifted the duvet and shuffled himself over to make room for me. I let him press a quick kiss to my cheek when he asked, and then he was asleep. 

He’s sleeping differently than he did the last time that we were together like this (3 months ago? 4?). He’s got both his hands held beneath his stomach, restrained from reaching out and holding me during the night. It doesn’t look very comfortable, and I know that it’s my fault. All my fault. _Always my fault._ It’s pathetic that I even need that from him, and yet I do. We’ve gotten to the point where he’s so scared to do something that sets me off, that he can’t even relax in his sleep. (Like I said … For his own good). 

He used to watch me sleep at Watford. I didn’t realise it at the time, but after we got together he told me about it - How he used to count the rises of my chest, how he ached to reach out and help me when I had my nightmares. And now … I’m watching him, desperately trying to etch the details of his face into my stupid, broken brain. The crook of his too-high nose, the arch of his brow, the point of his ears, the wave of his hair. He was always too good for me, I’ve always known it. Just now … he must know it too. He needs better than what I can give him. He deserves someone every bit as smart, and handsome, and put together as he is. Someone who is flourishing. Someone who is going places. Not me. I’m not that. I’m just holding him back. 

Reaching out, I grab a hold of his left wrist and tug his arm towards me, resting it against my waist and pushing myself back against him - His skin chilled against mine.

“Simon?” he mumbles, eyes fluttering open in the dark. “Is everything alright, Love?” 

I feel my throat tighten at the word - _Love._ Even now. Even like this. Where me holding him makes him think that something must be wrong. And rightfully so. After everything that has happened, that seems to be the only time that I can manage it - When we’re in danger. When we’re hurting. 

“Yeah. I just … wanted. Sorry.” 

“It’s alright, you don’t need to apologise, I was just making sure. Can - Can you not sleep?” 

“No, I can. I mean, I was. So … we can just go back to sleep now. I didn’t mean to wake you.” 

“Alright, love,” he smiles, snuggling back down into his pillow. “Sleep well, okay?” 

“Yeah,” I choke. “You too.” 

Right now, I can sleep in his arms. Right now, he can hold me. Right now, he is mine. Even if it’s only for tonight.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed :) Comments and kudos, appreciated.  
> My Tumblr: [Link text](https://mageicalwishes.tumblr.com/)  
> 


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